The Coworkers' Revenge

I thought a Sarong and a Sari were the same thing ... apparently not, and I'm so wrong and sorry.

Something terrible happened the other day. It was absolutely, horribly horrible. Its a day that historians will ponder about what happened. Psychologists will wonder about what let up to that horrific event. And my future psychiatrists will be able to trace everything back to one fateful day ...

The day I was reduced to reading O Magazine.

Sure, it doesn't seem that bad to you. But I had majorly avoided this for a good long while. I had read every Time and Newsweek. I read all of the Sports Weeks. I even found all of the hidden pictures in Highlights. But finally, there were only two things left: O and National Geographic. Sadly, O had to be the one, since there was no way in hell I was going to learn something while at work! I go to school at night for that crap.

It was awful. Patients politely waited to leave my office before giggling. Co-workers openly pointed and laughed. Co-workers laugh because I generally revel in the fact that I have nothing to do. They tell me about how nice it must be, and generally I agree. O Magazine was to be their revenge. I sat quietly in my office and began to read.

Now reading women's magazines isn't really anything new to me. A friend of mine in high school would get Cosmo and she would read it. Then she would ask me if guys really liked that (Yes, we like to give oral sex. No, don't stick a finger in our butt when we orgasm). It was brilliant, and I got answers when I read Maxim.

So, I was reading. Dr. Phil of course had something to say about how women should feel about Bachelor Parties (it couldn't be more obvious that man was just bitter he didn't get one). Someone did an article on 3 doctor-approved crash diets (which had mysteriously vanished from the pages ... apparently somebody took it upon themselves to take it and deprive the rest of us from the glorious diets!). There were articles on being the best you, accepting your life as it is, letting go of past hurts, and saying sorry 101.

Upon reading these I discovered the main difference between men's and women's magazines. Where men's magazines tell you what and how to do stuff, the women's magazines tell you what, how, and why. It's like men don't give a crap about why to do stuff, we just do it. The women apparently need to have a reason to do the stuff. It was true in O. And it was true in Cosmo. Where a men's magazine would say "Give her the best sex she's had," a women's magazine would say, "Give hime the best sex he's had so he'll tell his friends." Or something to that effect.
Then came the article about how Men really feel about their bodies. Actually a well written article by the former editor of Men's Health. Now it was pretty obvious why this article never made it into Men's Health. It featured a 215lb, chubby white guy talking about how he felt about his flabby arms and love handles. Men's Health last month was all about Tiki Barber and how he got his great abs (I know this cause I read it ... under all my flab are some great abs ... they are just camoflaged ... really well). The only problem with this article is that it basically tells our secret. Secretly, guys do care about how they look. We get frustrated if we don't look exactly right, and then we get frustrated cause we know we are not supposed to think that. We are guys and not supposed to care about stuff like that. Damn that Oprah woman!

All of these from the creative genius that named her production company Harpo. When you think about it, don't ever say anything negative about Oprah. She has got a deadly army of followers that can and will find you and hurt you. In all honesty though, although I won't be reading anymore O Magazine (school starts ... I have to pretend to study from now on), I have a new respect for the lady. She ain't all bad.

And so goes the life ...

The Power of One

The Power of One
Party of one ...

It is a fact that one person can ruin your day. It does not matter if you finally made the basketball team or you found the perfect pair of shoes at the mall. It does not matter you got a B in that really hard class or you made a great decision at work. One person can ruin your day. To further the fact, you don't even need to know the person. It can be a stranger. Think about that. Some guy off the street can ruin your day.

Why? Why is it that no matter how good you think you look or how good you feel about yourself some stranger can ruin that? And this stranger is lurking everywhere. This stranger is out there everyday, in every place, just waiting ... waiting for you to cross their path so they can put a rain cloud over you for the rest of the day. This stranger can be anyone.

For example, what is a job interview for but to ruin your day? You put together you resume and feel good about it. You put every place you have worked and the experiences you garnered there. You put all the civic organizations you've participated in and feel good about the work you've done with them. You put all the schools you've attended, the degrees and diplomas you've recieved, and training you've been through and you feel successful. You dress to impress and feel good about yourself. You are prepared for this interview. And the interviewer (read: stranger) can spoil that great feeling. With one sentence or one glance of the eye or one bored expression. One thing from one person can ruin everything.

Or you work at your job for a long time. You feel good about the work that you do. You enjoy the job. You do it to the best of your ability. One person on one day can ruin that. It could be a co-worker. Someone that treats you like crap from the moment they start to work there or the moment they walk in the door everyday. They are just there to bug the crap out of you. Or a customer. A customer comes in and steals something. The manager can't prove it wasn't an employee or a customer. Then can't prove which employee it was. Fires everyone on that shift. Or a client neglects to fill out the proper forms and you legally can't do anything. The client throws a fit, lies about your attitude, makes themselves look like the wounded party. Next thing you know, you are fired. A stranger has ruined your day. A stranger has come in to your life for a short period of time and wrecked what you had worked hard for. Or you like someone. You decide that you like this person or you are interested in this person. You think about asking them out or just trying to get to know them. Why is it that if they are not single or really busy or just not interested, it ruins everything?

Why do we let strangers ruin our day? They don't know anything about us, yet one thing they do or say make our day suck so much we just want to go home and give it up. Out there somewhere is going to be someone waiting to do something that will destroy your good day.

How will you react?

But if one person can ruin everything, one person should be able to fix it all. Your friends are there for you. Let them pick you up when you are down. It is not the opinion of a stranger that matters, is the opinion of those that know you and still care.

And so goes the life ...

The Resolution

A: When do you like a Snickers?
B: Around noon, when your hunger's ah ... pokin at ya-pokin at ya.

The New Year's is a time to reflect (and recover from the night before). It's a time to look back at the year past and look at the year ahead. It's a time to look at everythin you accomplished (and the things you didn't) and set new goals for this year. And what better way to set a goal than the New Year's Resolution.

The New Year's Resolution, I'm sure, began with good intentions. Sonmeone decided that it would be a good time for people to choose something to focus on in the coming year. What it has become is something different. To some, its a joke. To others, its the bane of their existance.
I fall into the latter group. I choose things that are difficult or impossible. For example, I and the rest of America resolved to lose weight last year. This is the best resolution ever: a country of chubby people with a McDonald's or donut shop on every corner ... real likely. And since I really am that person that orders 20 McNuggets, Extra Vaslue Fries and a diet coke, its really likely for me. But, by golly, I was going to lose weight. So, on New Year's Day (after I arrived back in Arlington from New Orleans and being thrown up on at midnight ... no really), we took a damily trip to Barnes & Noble. I have never seen so many people in the self-help aisle. Anyways, I head my way into the crowd and decide Atkins is the way to go.

Now, do not get me wrong. Atkins does work ... if you have the discipline. I, knowing myself, knew that I could not do it alone, so I enlisted my work-buddy Robynn Deal. The Deal (haha) was to tackle this beast together. And I was serious (after all, I bought a book!). I bought sugar-free candy for the Hematology & Chemistry Supervisors' office. I took my mom to Sam's to buy every kind of meat in bulk. I bought 10 bags of Pork Rinds. I was armed and ready,
Work was easy. I ate breakfast and lunch with Robynn. Home was a diffrerent story. I would sit with my beef and c hicken while mother and sister dined on chicken fried steak, or tacos, or burgers, or spaghetti, or a multitude of other things I loved. School started soon after, so I didn't eat with them cause I got home so late. Success was assured!

Then, Robynn fell. Her mom had made her famos homemade Pizza and Robynn could not resist. The homemade cobbler sealed the Deal (haha). Robynn had deserted me for dessert!
I was standing alone. I lasted til the end of February. I lost 17 lbs, but hadn't eaten anything I wanted for 2 months. I fell and hard. No more meat. No more pork rinds. No more sugar free candy. I wanted pasta, cheetos and a snickers. And I got it. And all was right in the world.
We set ourselves up for failure with these resolutions. We pick somethiing difficult, thinking "This year, I'm really going to do it." It's not likely. You didn't do it last year, you didn't do it the year before. Let it go!

So this year, I will do it different. I resolve to enjoy my friends, family, and everybody else. I resolve to party. I resolve to sit and watch TV when I want to. I resolve to play Roller Coaster Tycoon and on the internet.

Most importantly, I resolve to have a good time!And maybe lose a little weight.

And so goes the life ...